Family, Relationship

Me to daughter: Its not yet OK to have a boyfriend, but he can come over

I am one of the strictest mothers in the world. I have inherited my mother’s iron hands and use it among the kids now.

Maybe my kids sometimes wish they were born to kinder mothers rather than me. Haha. I have a daughter. She is the only girl among four siblings and she is the eldest. She is the better version of myself. So my protection for her goes beyond the skies. Its crazy to have a daughter who is both responsible and smart at the same time.  She can attract all the forces in the universe towards her and God knows what will happen.

When she turned 18, I heard she had a significant other. I objected and threatened her. Of course, its as natural as breathing oxygen. Told her to finish her studies or else….

She made good with her studies. Actually, better than I did in school. Hahaha. It is evident that she is self-motivated and God-fearing, not to mention- also afraid of her monster mom.

I kept thinking about how she did it, who are the people who helped her? Who are the people who inspired her? It could not be me. And not entirely her family. So when I learned that the guy was helping her, I devised a strategy about how to push her to maximize her potential.

So here are my five reasons I allow the guy to come over:

  1. Asked her to refrain from participating too much in non-curricular activities. 

These are time-wasters and they make it a reason to see each other because of school activities that don’t help them much in their academic lives. Better they spend time after class building their talents, their future careers, their individual passions, rather than ‘making babad‘ in school. I told them to look after each other and see to it that they come home immediately after classes. They can come over for a few chats at home and leave.

2. Better to see them at home than hide anywhere else.  

Kids nowadays have their own thinking process. Their listening skills are strong from peers but buffer from elders. Rather than hide their “friendship” from me, I’d rather they are visible for the family to see. You see, when you trust kids with a little something, they think they are in charge. And every responsible child will not mess it up. Knowing that my daughter knows the extent of what I can do to them, I knew she and the other person will keep their words. Trust is a big thing to kids. Gives them confidence. Trust does not reduce them as persons.

3. Lessen the lies, encourage them to tell the truth 

When people lie, they need to tell another lie to corroborate the original lie. And it is no good. It is never healthy. I do not like my children to continually lie to me. Especially in matters concerning them. Lying children will distance themselves to their parents because of guilt. And it doesn’t make any sense. Why would I allow my child to tell lies because of a stranger which she calls her special friend?

4. Gained an ally, lost an enemy 

Everyone knew the down side of having an enemy. You don’t stop until you win and make the other party lose. Its so stressful.

I realised that if I use all my forces to stop my daughter from seeing her friend, I gained an enemy, I lose a daughter because eventually she would be mad and she will protect him. No, he does not enjoy that privilege. So reversing the strategy, I allowed him in the house, I gained a new ally. This young ally will help me protect her in places where I cannot. In places where she spends most of her time now, in the university. And it is a win-win scenario. Unless of course the ally becomes an enemy in the making. Hopefully not because we go back to square 1 which is war.

5. They keep trying to prove and improve themselves 

Ever since I allowed the friend to come over, both of them are trying to prove that indeed they are worthy of their new found freedom. They are more transparent in their actions, meaning where they are going, what they plan to do in school, how they wanted to help in the business and those things that could have never happened in the first place have I sticked to my original plan of extreme hostility.

Its not easy to trust a stranger into your house and into the family, especially if you do not know the background of the person. What’s his story? What is his family’s story? What if he will hurt my daughter? There are a gazillion what ifs, but while I find answers to those what ifs, it helps a little to provide a space where I can see them both more frequently. Takes them away from other influences that I am not aware of.

A week ago, my daughter took her class cards home and announced that she once more made it to the dean’s list. Not bad. I hope she and her special friend does more. I hope to learn about her friend make it to the top also and be each each other’s positive support group.

How about you? Do you allow your kid’s special friends inside your house and treat them like friends too?